Here are some more entries for the 1999 Darwin Awards. For
those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the
Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and
posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the
human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth
of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some
fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad
and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand
gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some
fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They
were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found
dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other
boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the
lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his
buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide
(crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE
IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two
passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor
burns.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he
qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was
doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a
tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in
mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same
time.
RUNNER UP..
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg,
Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of
America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness
of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the
palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of
a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past
thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part
of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr.
Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area
wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the
rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's
tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
number of small animals escaped.
Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were
stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and
zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks First,
the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold
and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of
rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while
at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino
dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up
to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people
with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr.
Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to
remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think
he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the
Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the
power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children,
but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented
Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a
spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South
Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of
the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning
system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed
to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of
these deaths. "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning
lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the
patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the
vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had
finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine
back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She
could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventual the
solid beep over the whirring of her polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner
in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare
Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra
socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The
inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times).
