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George W. Bush
 
"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."-George W. Bush, Feb. 8, 2001
 
 

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"It's more relaxed here. It's an atmosphere I can relate to. In Oakland it was always win, win, win - you get fed up with it."
— Jose Canseco
 
 

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#19 Children grow faster in the spring.
 
 

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Q. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
A. His last name.
 
 


MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin

By: acidintervalPublished: 09/23/2008
 
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I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

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