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"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says: Fool me once, shame on [pause] shame on you. [Pause] Fool me [long, uncomfortable, agonizing pause] you can't get fooled again."Source: The Washington Post, "The Reliable Source," Lloyd Grove, Sept. 18, 2002
 
 

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Talk About Your Stupid Questions (& Answers)

By: PhantomPublished: 02/11/1999
 
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The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

  1. Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

  2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

  3. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

  4. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

  5. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

  6. Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?

  7. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

  8. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  9. Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

  10. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

  11. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

  12. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

  13. "Did he kill you?"

  14. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

  15. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

  16. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

  17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

  18. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

  19. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: "No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

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    You must register to participate in this discussion.
    Damn (0 replies)
    started by gmcbroom
    (02.11.2001 3:04:54 PM EST)

    I havent laughed like that in a long time.

    No

    Love it (0 replies)
    started by yusaku999
    (10.30.2000 3:58:51 AM EST)

    I remember this joke. Most of them are scripts from courtrooms. Lawyers... They think they're the hottest things in the world. ...that may be so, if you're talking about piles of shit.

    You may refer to me as Emperor Jason. http://msnhomepages.talkcity.com/PassportPl/yusaku999/

    this is crazy (0 replies)
    started by noiwillnot
    (09.26.2000 1:27:03 AM EST)

    mad props, man! mad props for this !! i like it!!!!!!!!!1

    Goofy (0 replies)  
    started by Anonymous Goofball
    (08.02.2000 12:16:57 PM EST)

    Thought you might enjoy this! Patricia

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